Hilarity aside, these blunders are not atypical of job applicants. Reviewing them is an excellent way to ensure that excerpts from your resume will not appear in a future “bloopers” article.
A few key phrases to avoid using on your resume are:
“I’m good with the pubic.” (While it was surely intended to be a heartwarming sentiment, the lack of a single consonant makes it grounds for a guffaw and a direct flight straight to the trashcan). “I attended pubic high school” is also very bad.
“I have no patience for theft of companytime.” (I have no patience for failure to use the spell check feature on your word processor. This does remind me of a funny e-mail I once received from a former co-worker announcing that she had found 19 firm pens in a drawer at her house, and therefore assumed that we had all stolen office supplies as well and should return them promptly.)
“I am a witch.” (Unless you are applying for Wiccan jobs, of which there are currently none listed at SimplyHired.com, you should absolutely keep this information to yourself.)
“AWARDS: Won the cream pie-eating contest at the XYZ County Fair--25 pies in an hour!” (Wow. I definitely don’t want you working here, because I’d be concerned about leaving my lunch in the kitchen refrigerator).
Both of these articles contain invaluable advice regarding resumes, references and contact information. Sure, these examples are funny, but in truth, many enthusiastic applicants have committed these errors in the past, and unfortunately, will continue to do so in the future. In summary, don’t use your parents as a reference, don’t call your last boss “incompetent” or a “rat”, and don’t use your dog’s name or your porn author nom de plume in your e-mail contact address.